my life, like anyone’s, has been full of shifts and changes, moments of deep turmoil, and moments of absolute clarity. looking back, i can distill my deepest gratitude down to three things: my intelligence, my intuitiveness, and most significantly, my born-again experience.

i. the overwhelming sense of peace: the born-again experience

that born-again experience is the foundation for everything that came after. some people will relate to it. it is a relationship with god through the holy spirit. as a catholic, that’s what i experienced, but i’m sure it can transfer over to any faith, or even to a non-religious life.

i was born and baptized catholic. i went all the way through catholic schools and colleges. i would go to mass, though not regularly. my mom was very religious, and she always wanted us to have that deeper experience of knowing jesus’s grace and being filled with the holy spirit.

when it happens, it is both a psychological and a physiological feeling. you go through a lot of changes; it even changes your brain. the core of the born-again experience is this: you change. you become different in the way you think and trust. for me, the number one thing is an overwhelming sense of peace.

for example, i recently met a challenge. i fell and got a sore on my “good leg” (even though it’s weak), a sore on my shin that wouldn’t heal. it got bigger, spreading around the back of my leg until my right leg was red from the knee down.

my kids might want me to be at a certain hospital or rehab facility, but when they call for beds, they’re told, “no, there are no beds.” my kids get upset and say, “i don’t know, do this and do that.” but i don’t have any worries because i have this overwhelming sense of peace. i trust in god; he’s going to put me where he wants me. someone else is in charge. i know i’m going to end up where i’m supposed to be.

so, my kids thought i was procrastinating and wanted me to go to an emergency department to be admitted. i have lymphedema, as well as an amputation. i go to a lymphedema program, where they teach you how to take care of your legs and do the dressing if you have a wound, but everything was getting worse and worse.

ii. doubt and delay

during this period, i began to think i had agoraphobia, the fear of leaving the house. it’s not the house itself, but what’s out there, like a fear of crowds or food poisoning—that forces you to stay in. for about five days, i thought, “gosh, i wonder if i’m getting agoraphobia. why won’t i just do something?”

i had been going to the lymphedema clinic for five weeks and was getting frustrated with the communication process. it took five weeks and five doctors for one to finally say, “you need to be admitted today, go to the emergency room,” and that’s what happened.

the moment she said that, the agitation and the feeling of “am i getting agoraphobia?” just left me. and then that overwhelming sense of peace returned. i knew i was finally on the path. it took seeing that specific attending physician to admit me, and it has been a wonderful experience.

i am on the right path. it’s been perfect for me. but trying to do it myself and not letting god do it in his own time leaves you feeling agitated and anxious. you can’t make decisions yourself when you’re not supposed to. part of that born-again experience is trusting that god’s in control. he’s going to lead your life. i don’t know why this happened to me or why i have lymphedema, but it doesn’t throw me over the cliff. he’s in charge, wherever it takes me. it’s a wonderful feeling.

iii. the miracle in the parking lot

this profound change came about after a series of events i still struggle to fully comprehend. they began with a crisis involving my two daughters, one in ninth grade and the other in seventh. they were supposedly going to a catholic high school and middle school, but they started using drugs.

the school called to say my older daughter hadn’t been to class for a month. i was clueless. i confronted both of them and ended up putting them in one of the schools for teenagers, where they live, have individual and group therapy, and go to classrooms. they stay in touch with their original schools so they can, hopefully, graduate with their class.

i went to pick up my younger daughter on a saturday, and we went shopping. i had to be headed right back to the school by a certain time. as we were driving, she asked to use my hairbrush. she looked for my purse but didn’t see it. i looked around my feet, but it wasn’t there.

when we stopped, i opened the trunk, and she opened the backseat to put the swimsuit and other purchases inside. the moment i got out, i realized my wallet, which had $100 and some loose cash, and a white envelope with $5,000 in cash were in the purse. that’s where this story begins.

i said goodbye, and then i flew as fast as i could down the beltway. i took off like a crazy woman, flying back to the store where we bought the swimsuit. all the way, i prayed, “dear god, please, if anybody takes my purse, let them leave the $5,000. i’ll let them just take the money in the wallet.”

i got off the exit. there’s only one parking lot, and it’s not that large. i had been gone an hour now. my parking spot was still available. there was nobody in it. i pulled in, and my purse was hanging on the parking meter.

i got out, grabbed my purse, and put it in the car, but as i looked in my rearview mirror, i saw three white men pushing things into a trash can near some benches. my mind immediately went to: “they’ve got all my money, and they’re hiding their stuff.” i got out and said something to them. they said, “no, ma’am, we don’t know anything about a purse.” i still didn’t get it.

i was looking at them and looked down towards the roadside, where there was a little black boy standing, staring up in the general area. not at us, but it was us. i don’t know why, but i thought, “i think he’s taking everything out of my purse.” so i said to the three young men, who looked to be in their 20s, “i’ll give each of you $50 if you help me catch that little boy.”

oh, my god. i was still thinking i was in charge. i wasn’t, but i didn’t know it yet.

the three of them started going after him. he could tell we were going to chase him, so he started to run up the sidewalk. and there i was, behind the three men, chasing this little black kid. we brought it up to the fire station, and he ran in and hid behind a tall fireman.

the fireman asked, “can i help you? what’s going on?” i said, “i’m missing something out of my purse, and i saw him looking at my purse, hanging on the parking meter. so i’m assuming maybe he’s been taking it.”

this little black boy stepped out from behind the fireman, and he glowed. i don’t mean lights; he just had a noticeable glow out of his body. i thought i was going crazy, but i was still getting the big picture.

the fireman said, “his name is e. l.,” the fireman said, “e., you heard her. tell her about this.” the boy said, “no, i got an ice cream at burger king (or some restaurant like that), and i was walking through the parking lot. i saw the purse on the ground, and a voice told me to pick it up, hang it on the parking meter, and to watch it, that she would be coming back.” he stood there the whole time. it is an amazing story.

the three white men were still with me, but they didn’t take the $50. when the boy told me that, and how he heard the voice tell him to hang it there and watch it, i started to have a physical feeling come over me. i figured it was relief. i wasn’t really thinking of being spiritual.

it all cleared up. everybody left, and e. stayed at the fire department. i got back in the car and looked at my purse. my cash was gone, but the envelope of $5,000 cash was still there. that’s what i had prayed for.

i was still having this feeling but didn’t understand it. everything else was in there; nothing was stolen. i don’t know what happened to the cash. i never really thought about it a whole lot.

i wanted to give e. l. $25, so i wrote his name down as i thought it was spelled. i went back to the fire department and said, “there’s a little boy here, and you said his name is e. l.” the fireman said, “that’s what i know him as.” it could have been god working in this life. i drove around a street that has always been african american. historically, the wealthy people from the city would come to the area in the summer, and their help would live on that street. i went along the street, and people were out in their yards or sitting on their porches. i told them the whole story. i said, “i’m looking for an e. l. i want to give him something for helping me.” that’s an unusual name. that day, nobody knew him. i did that several more times. did e. l. exist? was it an angel? i don’t know. something i saw, but it wasn’t real? i don’t know.

but i still have that envelope and the $25 i wanted to give him. i haven’t gotten rid of them. i’ve never found e. l.

iv. the music and the mirror

so, i’m heading home. i turn the radio on to listen to whatever station. the songs were love songs, like “you love me,” “you hurt me.” but in my head, i wasn’t thinking of a human man. all i kept thinking of was jesus christ. i thought, “what is wrong with me?” i still had that physiological feeling. i was different, but i didn’t understand it yet.

before that, i was religious, but i wasn’t faithful. i didn’t go to church every sunday; i would do the easter holy obligation. i believed in god, but i wasn’t living it.

now, the music was playing, and i was thinking of jesus. the songs were like, “you and i are traveling down great paths together,” but the “you” in my brain would be jesus. then, i discussed it with my very religious mother, and that’s how i figured out that this had happened to me.

i think over a period of two to three weeks, the lord told me. the first thing was the music on the radio. the next thing was my husband’s mother. my first marriage ended in ’78, but it wasn’t a nasty divorce. his mother had a stroke, and his new wife didn’t want to take care of an elderly woman. my ex-husband wouldn’t take care of her either, even though she had given him lots of money, so i took her in.

i was doing the yard work. she always liked to stand or sit on the deck and watch me cut the grass. before this experience, it bothered me. i was a little angry and resentful because my ex-husband had nothing to do with our daughters, and he was narcissistic and selfish. and here was his mother, who worked so hard to raise him. his father had been a prisoner of war and had a nervous breakdown, so she held everything together while working. i was angry at the whole situation that she was always giving him money, and he wouldn’t take her in.

so i looked at her, and she had that funny, glowy look, like when you see a makeup commercial with a before-and-after change. i saw it with e. l., and now i saw it with her.

i thought, “this is weird.” she was still on the deck. i finished my lawn work, cleaned up, and put everything away. i went in the house and showered. when i was getting dressed, i looked in my mirror, and it wasn’t me. it looked like my physical self, but something was missing. she was not me.

i looked at her, and i started crying, like a catharsis. i looked at her and said goodbye to her. i said, “you are no longer me, and i am no longer you.” i think i actually said out loud, “bye, old friend. i’m new and different, we’ve been renewed, and i’m no longer that person.” the next time i looked in the mirror, it looked like me, the me in my renewed form.

v. the gift of the holy spirit: intuitiveness

i still didn’t quite get it yet. i didn’t know i was having the born-again experience. i just thought i was changed somehow, but i didn’t know what kind of change it was.

how i finally got it was the radio thing. i’d be playing the radio day after day on the way to work. every time it was a love song, it was jesus, jesus, jesus. it was never my husband or a boyfriend.

then, one of the things you do when you’re “baptized in the holy spirit” is you get a gift, but you don’t know what your gift will be. my mother had the gift of tongues, where the holy spirit speaks through her. i’ve heard her. in church, when it’s time for someone to speak, god decides who. sometimes it would be my mother. the “tongue” stops on its own, and then somebody at the front starts to interpret what the message was.

i didn’t get that, but what i got is the gift of healing, teaching, or comforting, like a psychic kind of gift. my head rapidly goes through deduction. some people say it’s psychic, but i don’t know if it is. i’ll say or think things, and people will ask, “how did you know that?” it’s just in my head. whatever that gift is, i have it, and i experience that.

so, bad things happen to me, and it doesn’t upset me. absolutely. all the time. 100% peace.

vi. the miracle of the taxes and the bills

i’ve had miracles happen in my life. for example, after my second husband died, i had a problem with depression. he was working for a corporation. we moved to florida, built a home. i was a trauma nurse for about 45 years, so i would travel back and forth once a month or every six weeks. he started the new job, and within 18 months, he was gone with cancer. my whole life was in turmoil. i had to come back. it pushed me over the edge where i was dysfunctional. i couldn’t get out of bed—typical depression. i couldn’t do my taxes for five years.

back then, if you had a refund coming, which i always did, you didn’t get penalized. so, they left me alone.

but i got to the point where i couldn’t pay some of my medical bills and other expenses after moving back and selling the house. i said to god, “i’m not going to pick and choose; i’m going to stop paying all the bills.” i called each company and said, “i can’t pay the bill. i’ve been depressed, and i’ve had to move back,” and told them what had been going on. i had been talking to them for a long time, trying to work out something.

then one day, i was sitting at my desk, and i realized i had to start paying these bills, or i was going to lose everything. the moment i made that decision to stop trying to fix the mess myself and turn it over to him, nothing ever came in the mail. nothing ever came. the entire debt was wiped out. i thank god for that.

vii. final message: don’t let the cliff throw you over

my life as a trauma nurse for 45 years taught me a lot about control and crisis management. but my greatest lesson came not from my training, but from my spirit.

i have found that the struggle to do it all yourself is what leaves you agitated. when you try to do it yourself, you can’t make decisions because you’re not supposed to be doing it. part of this profound experience is trusting that god’s in control. he’s going to lead your life.

i’ve had to go through a lot: the loss of a husband, the struggles with my daughters, the physical challenges now with my amputation and lymphedema, being in multiple rehab facilities (and i like this one the best). i don’t know why this happened to me, but it doesn’t throw me over the cliff. he’s in charge, and wherever it takes me.

this is my legacy and my wisdom for the world: you can have this overwhelming sense of peace. you just know that things are going to be okay and are going the way they’re supposed to be.

don’t let your challenges throw you over the cliff. just be. trust. the answers will arrive in his time, not yours. and when you finally let go of the need to control every outcome, the feeling of peace that comes over you is absolutely overwhelming. don’t spend your life worrying, because you only get to live it once only.