Interviewer’s Note:

If you were to talk to this woman, you would never guess that she’s been through what she’s been through. She’s just so upbeat and funny. She’s got the heart of a kid. But she really wants to do good for others too. This Legacy Letter is for her, but she did it for you. For the reader to take something away. So, I urge you to read with an open mind and open heart, for the story of one of the most resilient people I know.

Early Life

I didn’t have what you’d call a good childhood. My mother was an alcoholic, and my father died when I was young from asbestos-related cancer from his work as a carpenter. With my mother bringing men home and creating a chaotic environment, I couldn’t have friends over or enjoy a normal childhood. It wasn’t a good atmosphere for a young person.

I have two siblings. An older brother who is a paranoid schizophrenic and has been in and out of institutions for years, and a younger sister who is mentally challenged. I also have an older half-sister. There was a lot of mental illness in my family, which made things harder. We don’t really communicate much now, though my younger sister calls me now and then. Thank God I have my niece, though she can be a trip too, ha ha.

Struggles with Addiction

I started drinking at 14 years old. My mother was up one night with some friends, and they gave me a beer. That’s all it took. Looking back, I was doing exactly what I hated about my mother’s life, falling right into the same pattern. But at the time, I didn’t hate it. I think I was trying to escape from things.

I still managed to go to school and later work but drinking became my way of having fun. I’d look forward to going to bars with friends. Any excuse I could find, I would use, like if I had a bad day at work, I’d go out and get drunk. And if I didn’t get drunk, I’d get mad.

Love and Faith

I’ve been married three times. My first marriage lasted only four months, I married to get out of the house and away from my mother’s lifestyle, which is the wrong reason to marry. My second husband was a bartender 27 years older than me. We were together for 17 years, but we basically married on his deathbed at the VA hospital so I would have legal rights regarding his care and final wishes. He died five months later.

In my grief, I attempted suicide. I had been seeing a psychiatrist to deal with his sickness and death, and I had all these leftover pills. One night after drinking, I just took every pill I had. I didn’t plan it. The next time I woke up, I was in the hospital tied to a bed. I was furious because I was still alive.

The doctor asked if I wanted to go to a rehab clinic. I said I needed a psychiatrist, but they sent me to the drug and alcohol abuse ward. It took them almost the whole time I was there to convince me that I was an alcoholic. They said if you need one drink a day, you’re an alcoholic. I never knew that.

My third husband was the best one. We met at a little tavern. He called me the “nine sugar lady” because I always put nine sugars in my coffee. We were married for 30 years before he died of COVID.

What changed my life completely was finding faith. My sister-in-law, my third husband’s sister, was very devoted to her faith. I knew something was missing in my life, so one day I called her and asked how to become a Christian. It was her who brought me to the Lord.

After I accepted Christ as my savior, my life changed. My outlook changed. I didn’t even want to be near a drink or drugs. When doctors ask about my past substance use, I’m embarrassed to talk about that lifestyle. But I guess living that way got me to where I am today. Maybe everything has a reason.

Working Life and Finding Purpose

My first job was in a book bindery, where I worked with a typewriter adding titles to book covers. Later, I worked at an art museum as a security guard for about 16 years before going on disability. That was a cool job. I liked meeting different people and being around artwork.

I remember visitors touching paintings worth $75 million, and I’d be having a heart attack! Kids would walk on the contemporary art pieces, and my heart was always in my throat. But there were great experiences too. I had one visitor from down south who was also a Christian, and we stood in one of the wings and talked for two or three hours.

The museum opened me up to the art world. Before that, I might have known about Da Vinci’s Last Supper, but I didn’t know anything about modernism, cubism, contemporary realism, and all the “isms” out there. I was learning quite a bit.

I was always a good worker. My employers would use me to train other people because I was reliable and did my job well. I was always responsible with bills too. Bills were paid first, then fun.

Loss and Forgiveness

The biggest surprise of my life came after my third husband died. I was just going through his old clothes getting rid of them so there wouldn’t be any reminders, and in one old coat pocket I found some letters. “These better not be love letters” I said jokingly. Turns out my joke ended up also being truth. I had never heard about this woman. He wrote about how much he cared about her and thought about her. I went from grieving to anger. It devastated me. I mean, we were so close. We went everywhere together, even to the corner store. I would have sworn he never would have loved anyone else.

What really got me was that the letter said that she was married, and in his letter, he wrote that he wished they were together but didn’t want to interfere with her marriage. I thought, “You were worried about her marriage? What about yours?”

It took me a long time to forgive him, but I had to. You’ve got to forgive people. You can’t hold onto that. God would expect me to forgive. When you become a Christian, you have to answer to God for everything. It might be something you don’t want to do, but you have to do what He would want you to do.

I forgave my mother too, of course. She was wrong, but she was still my mother. I just wish it wasn’t what it was. Alcohol and drugs ruined so many lives.

If there’s anything I could say to my husband if he were to come back, it would be that I still love you. And I still love you too Mom.

Lessons

If I could go back, I would change all of it. I never would have married my first husband. I never would have started drinking. I would have tried to live right from the beginning as soon as I could. I think drinking was the main thing that led to other issues.

I’ve been sober since 1990, thank Jesus. I don’t even want to be near alcohol now. I’m grateful for my health, having a home, and being able to take care of myself financially.

When I look at young people today getting involved with drinking and drugs, I feel sorry for them. I used to judge, but then I realized, just because I didn’t get as bad as some doesn’t mean I wasn’t there or couldn’t have ended up there.

I hope what I went through can encourage other people to maybe not go through it. Be aware of the signs. I probably saw the signs with my mother, but I didn’t care. When you’re trying to escape from something, you think alcohol or drugs take it away, but they just make it worse.

A Final Message

To whoever reads my story, I want you to know that no matter how rough or dysfunctional your life seems, there’s always hope for change. I lived through alcoholism, loss, and heartbreak, but I also found love, faith, and purpose along the way.

If I could share just one thing with you, it would be this: don’t wait to hit rock bottom before you make a change. I wasted too many years trying to escape my problems instead of facing them. Whether it’s addiction, a bad relationship, or just negative thinking, don’t let it steal your life away.

Be more positive than I was. Learn to forgive others and yourself. It’s not easy, I know that all too well but holding onto anger only hurts you in the end. I had to forgive my mother, my husbands, and myself to find any peace.

And if you’re struggling right now, please reach out for help. We’re not meant to go through this life alone. Finding the right people to support you makes all the difference, it certainly did for me.

My hope in creating this Legacy Letter is that sharing my story helps even one person avoid some of the pain it went through. If it just helps one person. That would be enough. Remember, it’s never too late to start living the life you want. We all have a long way to go, but that’s what makes life worth living.

God bless you.