Interviewer’s Note

Gary Ethier is a strong and kind individual. It’s not often you see someone who’s had an extremely difficult and damaging upbringing become a person strongly rooted in faith, joy, and a commitment to being kind and caring to everyone. But that’s exactly who Gary Ethier is.

Throughout all of our conversations, Gary’s stoicism and uplifting attitude was ever so present and inspiring.

Life in Rhode Island

I grew up in Providence. I also worked at Brown as a sanitation engineer, washing dishes. I have great grandchildren, a granddaughter, and a great grandson.

Rooted in Faith

I wake up everyday to give God glory somehow. My uncle started sexually assaulting me at the age of 6. I had a head injury in the military artillery that I was in for a year and a half where something blew up in my face. Between my childhood, the explosion in my face, the drugs and the alcohol, and everything else I went through—all that craziness led me to Christ. Maybe that’s why it all happened, because it was supposed to lead me to Christ. I screw up from time to time; I ain’t going to say I’m perfect, but God was always with me. It’s okay. It’s all part of what led me to God. I wish things had been better and that I was treated with respect and a little more dignity and given the things that I should’ve had. But what am I going to do, be solemn my whole life because it didn’t work out for me? I’d be miserable. I want these people to have faith. God is with you.

A couple of months before August 2005, I walked into a church during a time when worldly things weren’t working anymore. I asked, “Why did You let all this happen to me? Where are you?” At that moment, I felt God. I knew. I’ve lived a tough life. When God found me in 2005, my life didn’t totally get better, but I understood more and I was able to forgive the people who harmed me. Once I forgave them I actually felt the weight lift off of me, because all that much hate and resentment actually eats you up inside. It changed me. But I went through all of that and Christ found me. So, was it worth it? I think it was. If I never lived that life I would’ve never cared about Christ. Now look at me—I preach his word, I do bible readings, and I console other people.

Multiple people come to the bible readings now, and it warms my heart. They get a lot out of it, they say. James 1:2-4 says that if you have a lot of problems, that’s God finding you for better things up the road so you’re lacking in nothing. And that’s my go-to verse for bible study. There’s a seed story in Matthew I like to share with others. Three seeds fell on the ground. One seed fell on hard ground and didn’t take, the second seed took but the roots didn’t go deep enough, and the plant scorched instantly, meaning the first time you come across a major problem, your faith collapsed. The third seed fell on good ground, went deep enough, and grew well, meaning your faith is strong. These are some verses I share with the people who come to bible study every night during the week.

I’ve read the entire bible twice, and I look at life through a spiritual set of binoculars. The first verse my Christian mentor, Pastor M., taught me was Jeremiah 29:11, which says, “For I know the plans I have for you, to bless you with a life full of success not one of suffering; if you turn to me and love me, I will turn to you and love you.” He made me memorize this. I miss that guy tremendously. That’s what I want to be for the people here at the care facility. Anything people tell me, I keep to myself. It stays with just me and God. If you trust me in confidence to tell me the things that hurt you, I’m going to make sure it stays right here with me.

I still don’t fully understand why it all happened, but at least I got closure on it. Closure was very important for me, personally. You can’t hold onto resentment and want to let it go. You’re either going to let it go or you’re going to hold it. I felt physical pain and went through some kind of real illness that mentally affected me through the release, and that was hard. Now I share my story with one or two people because they have a story they think they can’t share with anybody. Once I share my story with them, it helps them to open up and have an honest conversation. I got through it.

For my daughter and brother

Preface: My daughter and my brother are beyond special to me. Because of the reconnection. I would want my daughter and my brother to know that even though life was hard and we didn’t understand it, I actually rose from the ashes to become a better person. I truly regret everything I did as a young person, but I’m truly happy that in the end it turned out for the better. I love them both with all my heart. I want everybody to know how terribly sorry I am, how everything turned out that way. But in the end, God rectified it, and I’m glad that I have the relationship I have with my brother and with my daughter. I’ve always loved them.

For my brother:

We had a tough upbringing; there were crazy things in the family that were tough. It took a lot of decades to get things behind us, and my brother and I didn’t really openly discuss things—we didn’t really have control of many things. Today we have control over things so we can pick our own destiny from here on out. He’s special to me. My brother’s been with me through everything. I love hearing from my brother. It’s good medicine. To my brother, I wish things were better as we grew up, and that instead of growing farther apart we’d grow closer together, but at some point, our brotherhood shines and that’s what matters.

For my daughter:

We don’t need to have long conversations. Just hearing each other’s voice is enough. My daughter is an RN in the emergency room, and a dean minister. She once said, “Dad, God took us from the ashes into glory.” I said, “Isn’t that something, honey? Me and you.” That’s special to me.

My daughter is special. 24 years she wasn’t in my life, and before that things were rough. But after 24 years, she got in touch with my brother and said she wanted to get in touch with me. She called me the day after Christmas, and I almost fell on the floor. I want to tell her that I can’t thank you enough for coming into my life with a forgiven heart and an understanding of everything that went wrong. And if we don’t have a long relationship because I’m not going to live much longer, I appreciate every phone call and every conversation we have.

Love and People

My best friend R., I’ve known him since 1990, as long as I’ve known my wife. Before that was Pastor M.; he was my best friend and Christian mentor for 15 years. That man was my rock. He was my go-to guy in scripture and prayer. He was the one who invited me to church, and every time he went out to eat he would take me out to eat with them. He made me the cook; he provided me the meals and I provided the cooking, and we’d all have a hot meal after work, after school. My group of special friends is a blessing. One of my closest friends here is K.; everything we talk about stays between us. Me and her laugh a lot, and that’s important. You got to have a friend. She tells me things that nobody else knows like I tell her things that nobody else would know, and that’s what makes a difference in a friendship.

Music and Other Things

I like anything from the 80s, where you can actually understand the words and sing to the songs. The Beach Boys, MC Hammer, and rock bands were really good. If I’m not listening to church music, I listen to B101, because it’s all the songs from that time frame—Stevie Nicks, Tina Turner, Michael Jackson. Also, my favorite food is everything that’s cooked right.

Final Thoughts

It’s okay to have an off day. Because not everyday is going to be a good day, and you get to appreciate your better days. Some of the most important things in life are family connections and mutual respect. A lot of times when you’re upset you can’t take back the things you say. So, I take a deep breath in and get my thoughts together before saying something so I don’t come across the wrong way. One piece of advice I have is to turn to God, and to tell your loved ones how you honestly feel about them everyday. Let them know how much you love them and how much they mean to you.

 

With Love and Faith, Gary R. Ethier

 

Written by Hospice Volunteer Valerie Xu